Loneliness Vs. Being Alone By Erika Eleniak

Well, hello, guys.It’s been a very long time since I have written a post. A couple years, to be vaguely exact. 
So,I’m sitting in a hotel room in Canada and it occurs to me:I am lonely.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt lonely. Well, maybe it’s been the last few months, if I’m being honest. 
Don’t get me wrong- I’ve been “ alone” a very long time. Partnerless, by choice for about 13 years. But I was not lonely. My life has been centered around my child since I was pregnant with her( suddenly, Stevie Nick’s Landslide comes to mind). I have devoted every decision, every goal, every EVERYTHING around my daughter. Busy with her school and volunteering, extra curricular activities, fun, creative ways to hang out, etc. And lots of ups and downs.But I have had my Bestest Bestie, my Mom, with me at every turn, come rain or come shine, on the phone, daily at the very minimum.My spiritual life has been rich and full, my family and few good friends, just a phone call away and the Best. Dog. Ever. Nope, not lonely. Alone, yes-without a partner, single mom, sleep alone. But I’ve always loved my own company ( mostly, except when I’m in traffic- then, even I’M scared of me). 
But lately, I find myself sad, a bit. Maybe scared a bit. Empty-Maybe, lonely. 
I’ve always intellectually known the difference between “ alone” and “lonely” but I’m FEELING the difference, as my almost-18-year old daughter now has a new boyfriend ( who’s fantastic, by the way and I ADORE him,thank goodness)and she has been spending every waking minute with him ( duh ).As is expected,at 17. I mean,I moved out when I was 17!! But when she doesn’t answer my texts???
(Oh, God. I cannot turn into THAT parent- desperately clinging to any nanosecond I can get with her! Oh, the horror!)
And yes, I have.Yup, that’s me. I even cried tonight when she told me she didn’t want to go and hang out with me tomorrow. ( she said she meant she didn’t want to GO OUT anywhere but that she DOES want to see me). Oh. I am in for quite the ride.
Hardest of all,my Bestest Bestie, Mom, made her transition to “the other side”( words cannot express how deeply I miss her). Truly. Just. No.Words.My Doggo, sweet Jack is almost completely blind with diabetes,which inevitably makes me think of the inevitable.My few good friends are still around but very busy with their lives and we just don’t get together much anymore.
I feel major FOMO. (For all you Gen- Xer’s out there,myself included,this stands for Fear Of Missing Out).
It literally feels like time is running out! For what you might ask? I don’t know! Everything! An amazing and fulfilling NEW career (being of service),the best relationship ever, a ginormous income, F-U-N. LIVING. Or as Paris Hilton would say: “ Sliving”.
What can I say? I am at a crossroads where I know my kid must “grow on”-And of course, I want this so much for her:Independence, self- confidence, healthy and happy!All parents want their kids to grow up healthy and strong and become independent, right? Ugh. But letting go is SO. HARD.
I think my daughter having a boyfriend has been very eye opening for me.Because I feel her asserting her independence and separation from me in a different way now. It’s hard to articulate. It’s not a “ teenage mood” or phase- it’s her beautiful self, unfolding and it’s awesome to see. But I didn’t expect it to hurt this much. 
I know I’m tough. Guys,I’ve been through hell and back a FEW times now but I just know how rough that ride is.I gotta put on my boots and roll up my sleeves…the only way to move out of pain and heal -is to move through it. Allowing it to BE. It’s not to say “ oh, I guess this is the way it’s is” and settle- but “in acceptance”we know the feelings are there, were just no longer in resistance of them.Then, you can take action steps to move forward. When we are resisting, it’s like treading water- you’re moving and kicking but getting nowhere. 
OK. So now that THATS been said… I’m lonely. Are you? We get it. Now what? 
What does anyone DO with this feeling? Because when you’re “Alone but not lonely”you sit on the couch at night with your tea and Jammie’s and you’re remote in hand, and you exhale, contentedly. But when you’re on the couch and “lonely”you just feel bored. Scared. Hopeless, sometimes. In moments.And we cannot have THAT. Not hopeless. Anything but that. Because then you can fall down the rabbit hole of depression and Lord knows, I’ve been down that road. Nope. Gonna choose a different path today. 
So…First of all, as mentioned,I have been ALLOWING myself to FEEL these awful feelings. I DO want to run from them- to numb them, to avoid them by distracting myself. However, I am sitting with them. What do I mean by “ sitting with them?”I mean I actually SIT with them. I feel the hurt in my throat, in my chest and I breathe. I literally do box breathing of 4 counts in, hold for 4 counts and exhale for 4 ( usually my exhale is a bit longer than that) but I focus on my breath. 
I also breathe in “ fresh, good energy ( Universe/ God energy) and I exhale all that negative energy that no longer serves me, out-and I do that a few times. 
I write. I journal. I say “ Dear Pages”… and I literally write out everything I’m feeling. It’s stream of consciousness, so no format and super sloppy but I just purge myself of what I’m feeling. I “ empty “ myself of everything I’m feeling, no matter how petty I might think it is because it ALL matters. Our thoughts, our words, how we use them- it’s all very powerful and absolutely changes our experience, whether good or bad. I have the words” I AM” tattooed on my arm as a reminder that what follows these two words are VERY powerful words of the universe. What follows those two words for you? Because it IS what you claim you are: I Am sad, lonely, beautiful, scared, unattractive, broke, wealthy, healthy, sick, etc. You “see”what you say. I will say that again: You SEE what you SAY because this is what we speak into existence.
So, having said that- and claiming loneliness, this is where acceptance of where we are AS A MEANS TO MOVE THROUGH IT becomes very important for us to acknowledge. So what’s the next step?
Patience. Not sitting and waiting. I actually mean “proactive patience” – not an oxymoron. Because when we allow the process ( verb) to unfold, it’s rarely on our time but DIVINE timing. We cannot see all that is unfolding on our behalf. And usually, it’s far better than we could ever imagine. We become impatient because we are in pain- uncomfortable. READY to move on but we can’t skip doing the work. And here is where KNOWING ( Faith, Belief to the Core) comes in:

I love to read the DAILY WORD. In one of the Daily Guidance pages, it said something like this:
When we say, I Let Go and Let God, I dont mean to become passive- I mean, I release all thoughts of human limitation and those things/ thoughts which no longer serve me. 
AND…( and here is where needing to practice this everyday, sometimes many times throughout the day for me) REMEMBERING: Our prayers are ALWAYS answered. We are powerful co- creators and our thoughts and feelings and actions absolutely CREATE. This KNOWING helps us be able to stop worrying- because ALL is as it is meant to be and unfolding in DIVINE TIMING, even when we can’t see it happening. It IS.
I sigh. I’m going home now after a run at a park- ready to conquer my tasks and to-do- list but also, to create something NEW for myself today. Not sure just what that’s gonna be yet: could be redecorating something, joining a class- RESEARCHING joining a class! But I will do the footwork to create fullness in my life. I will make room for love. I will move out of feeling lonely and stuck and co- create the life I dream of. One. Step. At. A.Time.I wish you a “Happy Fulfilling of your journey!”Reach out to me and share your experiences on my Instagram or website:
@officialerikaeleniak
https://realerikaeleniakblog.com/

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